Monday, February 12, 2007

Lupus and The Baron Davis Mean

The Knicks came out on Saturday in the SLC with orange headbands. What to make of this? First, it should be noted that not everyone looks good in a headband.

For the style conscious baller, there are many options. An array of wristbands and arm bands. Neck tats. A mouthpiece with team colors. That weird patch of hair on the back of Drew Gooden's head. A color coordinated shooting arm sleeve, which is now even being worn by Matt Carroll. But you've got to have the right type of head if you're going to wear a headband. An angular Ginoblian head will no do. As we all know intuitively, Headband success is dictated by The Baron Davis Mean, which states the following,

"A headband is aesthetically pleasing in direct proportion to the extent to which any given player's skull resembles a perfect spheroid."

But why orange? Unity for the three-game, West Coast roadie? Mere chance? Some sort of intra-team color-coded warning level? According this and this , I'm guessing the orange headbands represent that the Knicks are finally joining the fight against Lupus. Or Hunger Awareness. Or all of them, because orange can denote the following:

This is a general awareness bracelet. Orange can stand for the following causes: Cultural Diversity, Hunger Awareness, Leukemia, Lupus, Melanoma, and more.

[Regarding the second link and color-coded "Live Strong" bracelets in general, I have to weigh in here. Least Impressive Color by Severity of Maladies it Represents: Periwinkle, which can represent eating disorders, esophageal cancer, GERD, irritable bowel syndrome and hypertension). "I wear this bracelet in hopes that someday -- maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday -- our society will eradicate irritable bowel syndrome!" Most Confusing Color by the Diversity of Maladies it Represents: Yellow, which can represent amber alert, bladder cancer, endometriosis, equality, liver diseases/cancers, missing children, POW/MIA, spina bifida, suicide and, of course, troop support)]

Balling to cure Lupus? That's tough. There's a lot of pressure when you're united in a struggle that's larger than either you or I (even if you're Jerome James). Melanoma, Diversity, Lupus. No one should have to shoulder that kind of weight. Thus, the pressure of solving the world's problems led the Knicks to turn the ball over 22 times and blow a ten-point lead in the fourth quarter. This is easy to do when 19,000 white people (and, maybe, Karl Malone) are rooting against you, and EnergySoutions Arena is rocking. No, my friends, greatness does not come without great cost in EnergySolutions Arena.

(For the record, SLC's crowd was WAY too into this game. Okay, Salt Lake this is the NBA regular season. It's basically pick up, ok? No need to be throwing bows and calling out, ah, like, PLAYS and stuff. Granted, it was an OT game and the Jazz have a chance to advance past the first round this year, but either A). nothing else was going on in SLC that Saturday night or B). they Utahians actually got their jollies routing against the ostensibly thugged-out Knickerbockers. Alright, maybe it was both).

  • Andrei Kirilenko has joined Scott Pollard in forming a Rancid tribute band. That's the only explanation for their Mohawks. I won't entertain any other theories.
  • Stevie Franchise made his return to the Knicks lineup. I like Stevie Cancer as a nickname, but I think we can do more with "Stevie Franchise." How about this? "Turned out that the "Franchise" in Steve "Franchise" was a Jack in the Box franchise!" Sorry. Not surprisingly, Francis looked lost and committed some key turnovers down the stretch. Better, we got this line from Clyde: "Steve Francis has had his difficulties trying to dribble the ball." Hmm, that's not good. You're going to have to dribble at some point, Steve.
  • I'm missing Forrest Whitaker hosting SNL for, this?! Kinda poor taste that Forrest's agent booked him on SNL. I mean, the guy played Idi Amin. (Agent: "Hey, guys, Forrest is hot! He's the most convincing tyrant since Cybil Shepard played Martha Stewart in Martha, Inc.) Oscar consideration aside, does it seem appropriate that a guy who played someone responsible for some 300,000 deaths appear on a sketch comedy show with Seth Myers -- the grinniest guy on TV, by far -- and that guy from Good Burger?

"Next week, on SNL the guy who raped Dakota Fanning in 'Houndog'! Featuring musical guest, The Fray!"

  • As of Saturday, David Lee has a black eye and an headband that won't stay on straight. He looks like a member of Our Gang. (Eddy Curry, in this analogy, is Spanky).
The end result: Knicks fail to get a couple of egregiously suspect calls, Lee gets a technical foul after complaining about a call, the Knicks get caught trying to pass it into Curry on every possession, and Crawford, never really interested in actually being able to visually locate the player he's guarding, gets back-doored, Pete Carril style, by Derek Fisher. On NBC, Forrest Whitaker is playing a waiter who sings too much! If I had a headband, I'd pull it over my eyes.


El Guapo said...

The red headband can also mean "I hate Scott Skiles" when worn by certain centers. And I think any headband discussion would be incomplete without at least a token Jim McMahon reference.

Finally, I'm glad we now have a "lupus" tag. I'm sure that will come in handy.

Capacious D said...

I apologize for missing such obvious headband references.

El Guapo said...

Crawford ... gets back-doored, Pete Carril style.

Thank goodness all of us here at FB are far too classy to make a "He got back-doored, John Amaechi style" joke. Yes, thank goodness.

Capacious D said...

El Guapo is apparently really good friends with Tim Hardaway and Shavlik Randolph. They hang out all the time. He's in their "five".

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