Saturday, March 24, 2007

Cavs v. Knicks - Live Blogging the Gus Johnson Suicide Watch

For the first time ever at The Bounce, El Guapo and Shirts v. Blouses have united to live blog an actual Knicks game! Ok, so maybe it's more of a Simmons'-esque running diary. Either way, enjoy.

7:33 - Pre-game action: Clyde is wearing a brown, magic eye-like tie to go with Gus Johnson’s Johnny Cochran-esque pinstripes. The combination makes El Guapo dyspetic. Johnson must be bummed about not calling that Vandy/Georgetown game (turned out to be a perfect game for Gus). Instead, he’s at the Quicken Loans Center watching Jared Jeffries chase a disinterested LeBron around the three-point line. Talk about a demotion. Somewhere Bill Simmons is having an aneurysm.

7:35 – Three minutes in and we’ve already switched over to the replay of Mets Cardinals preseason game. By the way, check out The Ballclub – the only Mets/baseball blog you’ll ever need. It will complete you -- at least partially. We’re halfway considering a dual live blog, combining The Ballclub and The Bounce. This would be the lame sports nerd version of the generation-defining Different Strokes/Facts of Life crossover episode. Yes, it's Friday night and we're watching an NBA game and a REPLAY of a preseason baseball game. Not surprisingly, there are no female human beings involved in this evening's festivities.



7:36 – Apparently, Randolph Morris was an NBA free agent all year. And we signed him. Morris declared in 2005 but didn’t sign with an agent. Under an obscure NBA regulation, he was actually a free agent. Kentucky asked him to stick around until they made a decision to replace Tubbby Smith. Instead, Morris just signed with the Knicks. In the pre-game Trautwig says the scouts were not impressed with his workouts in 2005 or 2006 (he was also nowhere to be found in the Top 100). That’s a good sign. But he was willing to screw his college team to come to the Knicks, so apparently he’s the kind of character guy the Knicks attract. Congratulations, Isiah!



7:40 – The starting lineups: Frye, Curry, Jeffries, Marbury, and Francis for the Bricks. Gooden, Ilguaskis, James, Hughes. Pavlovic for the Cavs. Nice! It’s in HD even though they’re in Cleveland. Gus Johnson sounds subdued. It’s gonna be okay, Gus. Billy Packer can’t live forever (or can he…?). Shirts flat out declares: “There’s no way we’re going to win. Absolutely no way.” That's actually pretty optimistic for Shirts.

7:44 – Underreported story of the year: Sasha Pavlovic’s back-ne is, shall we say, suspicious. Looks worse than mine, and I’m already on my fifth cycle. This leads to a discussion about whether or not Q-Rich is actually overweight (don’t ask), followed by El Guapo saying “You just have to see him with his shirt off.” I’m embarrassed to say this actually an inside joke. Ugh.


7:46 - Shirts: “It’s an ugly game early.” Also, Eddy Curry could use a trip to the salad bar. Hey, it’s our first Mardy Collins sighting of the night! This could be the worst game in NBA history. Shuddering at his first Mardy-Ball reference, Shirts goes for his second beer in 13 minutes.

7:50 – True story: Last year, Shirts’s girlfriend’s magazine, lets just say it’s a prominent financial publication, described Stephon Marbury as a “former MVP candidate.” That’s right, MVP candidate. Not sure how that one slipped passed the fact-checker. Pavlovic misses an open three. That’s going to hurt his MVP candidacy. You know, El Guapo was once a candidate for “ideal senior” in his high school yearbook superlatives section. His a former Ideal Senior candidate.

7:56 -- Ira Newble! “More of a defensive rebounder,” says Clyde. I guess that’s a polite way to put it. Gus follows, observing that “the Knicks continue to force feed Eddy Curry.” I just …. I can’t even make a joke here.

7:57 – After seeing the commercial for the new Whalberg movie, Shirts says he likes movies about snipers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. By the way. Dirk Digler stars in “Shooter”? Insert your sexual innuedo here.

8:00 - Donyell Marshall has cornrows/dreads and a receding hairline. Is this the urban version of the comb-over? We say yes. Two minutes left in the first and the Knicks are down by 8, thanks the the Cavs zone. As Shirts has been saying all year, zone absolutely kills the Knicks unless they play with a three guard lineup. Or whenever Nate Robinson is on the floor.

“It’s just hard to understand how sloppy the Knicks are with the basketball today,” says Gus. The Gus Johnson Suicide Watch has officially begun. Nine turnovers in the first quarter (Curry has four turnovers). 15 (unofficial count) critical comments on the Knicks from Gus so far.


8:04 - “Can you explain what happens with this team, Clyde, when they turn it over in this manner? It’s like CYO basketball,” says Gus Johnson. In a related story, El Guapo says the Sugardale hotdog sign near mid-court is making him hungry.

“There’s a reason Newble is always wide open,” says Clyde. Gus actually brings the best out of Walt Frazier. Which is nearly impossible.

8:10 - On a break, Balkman “thinks too much” and dribbles after taking three steps around mid-court. Ilguaskas gives him a Mutumbo finger wag in response. It’s mid-2nd quarter and the highlight of the game so far has been Ilguaskas taunting Balkman over a traveling violation. I think Damon Jones has already left for the Club.

8:13 - Knicks are down eleven mid-way through the 2nd. El Guapo has had about a half pound of Almonds in lieu of dinner. He’s eating like Jerome James at a K&W. This does not bode well for the second half or for the cleanliness of Shirts' bathroom.

8:17 – Re: Morris, the best thing Gus can say is that he’s a great free throw shooter. 13 turnovers thus far by the Knicks. El Guapo belches and wonders if they can go for 20 turnovers in the first half.

8:18 – Shirts coins phrase: “In your eye like conjunctivi!” while describing Drew Gooden’s turnaround jump shot. His sudden enthusiasm is, well, strange. El Guapo thinks Shirts has discovered the next “Skeet, Skeet, Skeet.”

8:21 – Balkman steals a ball and heads down court all alone for a – I have to admit – pretty layup. Sure he’s turned it over 12 times already, but he got one back, so, he’s got that going for him.

8:24 – Gus unwittingly coins the surefire porn name Backdoor Larry Hughes. He’s a penetrator. He’s got spurtability (Note: we acknowledge the Simmons comparisons/borrowed references here. We firmly believe the joke is still funny at least until early April).

8:26 – Only Jared Jeffries can pull off a sad looking “and 1.” What's wrong with this guys face? He's incapable of looking comfortable. He looks what can only be described as “wan.” It’s a good thing, Jared! You scored and then you get to shoot again, for a third point! Isn’t that awesome!

8:33 – Eddy Curry’s line so far: 16 points, 6 rebounds, 4 turnovers, and a 4-piece chicken and biscuit combo from Popeye’s before gametime. I believe he had the rice and beans for the side. In other news, he has a tattoo on his chest. The only thing we can make out is “Never” – the other words are obscured by his jersey. Shirts decides it says “Never full.”

8:36 - Gus says “Jared Jeffries is not the guy you want shooting the ball from the outside.” He sounds dejected. Somebody get this guy an NIT game to call.

2nd half:

8:52 - Clyde says the key to Lebron’s success is his size. Hmmm, not sure about that one Clyde. That’s why he has the color job in the largest market TV in the U.S. Time for the pasture, Mr. Frazier.

6-0 run to start the 3rd for the Cavs. Johnson says the Knicks have come out with “no focus”. He’s absolutely excoriating the Knicks tonight. We’re convinced that he’s also cutting himself to just to feel alive. He needs to call Christian Slater when he gets home.

8:54 - Long period of dead air. Focus on Isiah’s face. Gus Johnson: “I wonder what’s going through that man’s mind?” It’s been that kind of game. Oh yeah, for the Knicks it’s been that kind of half decade.

8:56 – Four subs come in. Collins, Rose, Robinson and Balkman. “You’d never know there was a capacity crowd here,” says Frazier. Shirts says he thinks the fans are actually reading loan documents at the Quicken Loan Center. I hear the subprime market is booming, adds El Guapo. Mortgage jokes -- like I said, it's been that kind of night.

9:01 – Balkman, Collins, Curry, Robinson and Rose. Congrats Knicks you have the worst outside shooting team since the 1996 Rock N’ Jock Bball game.

9:03 – Gus is waxing poetic about the Patrick Ewing-era Knicks. He’s two minutes away from singing “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” by Boyz to Men. Welcome to the world of Gloomy Gus Johnson! We're actually loving Gloomy Gus. He’s honest in a way that most announcers aren’t. In the span of a minute he says “Lebron James is hot dogging it” and the injured Jamal Crawford is a “bad shot shooter.”

On beer five, Shirts insists that he still wants to see Shooter. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

9:13 – Gus talked to Mark Aguire. Apparently, Aguire said that he thinks that this is really Curry’s first year of learning in the NBA. Not a good sign if your franchise player is in his fifth year in the NBA and hasn’t learned a thing. In other news, Malik Rose just fouled out halfway through the 3rd quarter. He gets a congratulatory high-five from Isiah. We’re wondering if Isiah knows he’s fouled out.

9:20 - This game is unbearable. In the dept. of nominally interesting subplots, Balkman and Lebron have a tangible dislike for each other. They’re jawing nonstop. If you’re James what do you say when Balkman is talking to you? That you’re the Global Icon or have put together probably the best first four years in NBA history? Yeah, that might work.

9:32 – El Guapo checks the preseason Mets for the 37th time. 6 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 5 K for Orlando “El Duque Hernandez” in the Mets Spring Training tilt v. the hated Cardinals. Just so you know.

9:33 – Big game for Eddy Curry. That’s what happens when you force feed him. Shirts is adamant that Eddy's Curry's high point totals always correlate to Knicks losses or near-losses. Someone get John Hollinger on the horn.

9:35 – This evening’s game is brought to you tonight by Otter Creek Copper Ale and Los Pollitos II Mexican takeout.

9:38 – “You just don’t get the sense tonight that the Knicks are going to make a run,” Clyde weighs in with six minutes to go. It’s 82-63. You’re right, Clyde, I don’t get that sense. It’s uncanny.

9:44 – LeBron’s kid is now playing point guard for the Cavs, and he just totally burned Francis off the dribble. Okay fine, I’ve stopped paying attention. Lebron’s kid – he looks about five -- is actually on the sideline dancing. Shirts is convinced he’s either doing the Chicken Noodle Soup dance or brazenly taunting Balkman.

9:46 – If the Knicks lose this game they’ll be 1-6 since Isiah got extended. So that’s worked out.

9:49 – This game is so boring, Gus Johnson’s suicide hotline operator just killed himself. It's so boring that El Guapo thinks mortgage jokes are funny.

9:59 – The four of us in the room just spent five minutes defining schadenfreude. Strangely appropriate given our feelings about the Knicks losing. Okay kids, we’re out of here. Final score: Knicks 68, Cavs 90.

Just hold on, Gus Johnson. Just hold on…

35 comments:

Enerdo said...

The fact that you guys blogged this at an actual game is really groundbreaking. Future bloggers for many years will look back on this moment and say "holy shit...that is the moment that blogging really became a passion for me! To see those two guys breaking blog ground like that...I mean...It was F'ing inspiring!"

When you guys are old and gray, new bloggers will approach you and ask you to sign their coffee stained mousepads. You were their inspiration!!! Well...I guess they would approach you if you ever identified yourself on the blog...but you get the point.... you guys are turning into F'ing blogging legends...and I love you both. VIVA PERU!

Anonymous said...

What the F was the point of that post. Bloggin is serious...not to be fun of.

You know what they say on the street..."bloggin ain't easy"...

Anonymous said...

I think the knicks should hire patrick ewing as GM and dump thomas...please discuss.

Max Hoggin' said...

I think that was an excellent running diary. It only slightly bothered me that it was about 85% Simmons jokes, but at least you made the Knicks twist. I did enjoy the "Never Full" and Rock n Jock jokes...nicely done. I think that next you guys should provide a running diary of me humping the gang. And what's with Enerdo? Is he retarded or just really bitter?

enerdo said...

F U MAX!!! I come here to comment about blogging...not suffer abuse from the likes of you!! And who are you to make fun anyway!!! What have you done in the world of blogging?

What is that saying? "he who has never written a shitty blog, throw the first stone?"....something like that. I know you won't be throwing any stones...now will you Mr. Hoggin!

BING-hamp-TON rivercats rule!!

Hoggin' Hank said...

Enerdo is a twat. Don't listen to him boyz...just keep up the good work. I hear that the word on the street is that Enerdo has a small penis but a big head. And that he loves men with small heads and big penises. He also is "never full" if you know what I mean. In fact, he asked anonymous to fill him up just last night!

Shirts vs. Blouses said...

Do you douschebags think this is funny? We spend a lot of time on this blog. The Bounce and I put our heart and soul into this shit.

I hate you people.

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